It's today, and I don't want to.
I don't wanna anything.
I want to shut down, curl up, and hide from the world. But unfortunately the mortgage doesn't get paid by me hiding under a blanket forcing cuddles on any kitties in arm's reach.
Why? I started a long post yesterday (which will be posted for you in the next few days) and in my brutal honesty with myself I stirred up a whole bunch of emotional crap that I didn't even know was festering. Apparently I had an emotional storage unit that I'd forgotten about and I opened that sucker right up. So I was sad, and hurt, and angry. Crying and raging. I managed to work up so much "stuff" that when I got home, I texted my sweetie telling him I really wasn't feeling going to the gym. He lovingly encouraged me and reminded me that it's a good thing we're doing, but I just shut down. I was exhausted emotionally (from dealing with new-found baggage) and physically (from not getting enough sleep the night before) and I just responded to him that I needed a nap and maybe things would be better after.
I really wish they would have been better after my nap, but I had the most ragey rage dream I've ever had. The gist of the dream was that someone was in my front yard, stealing firewood, and I went outside and confronted them. Asked if they were going to pay for it or just steal it. They didn't respond appropriately, so I proceeded to take a piece of firewood and bash the heck out of the car's hood and windshield. I woke up from that dream ragey, so I got up and started prepping dinner in hopes to calm down while I waited for my sweetie to get home from work. He came home to a rage-ball, and I told him as plainly as I could that I really didn't want go to the gym because I was an emotional and ragey wreck and it would only get worse. He understood and kindly called to cancel our appointment with the trainer and that was that. I feel like an ass for not going, but I feel so overwhelmed right now; that I've taken on too much all at once and I need to pull back a little. I don't know where the happy medium is right now, but I'll find it. I'll stumble through, step on toes, rage and cry until I get there.
To say I've been difficult to live with me for the past few days is putting it lightly. He's been a saint, but I know it's wearing on him. We had an epically long conversation last night that was very needed on both sides, and I think things really can only get better from here. I need my big strong man to be strong for me when I can't. I need his quiet company and him next to me when I'm broken. I need him to hold my hand while we both muddle through the hard bits together. And I'm confident he'll do all these things. He's just that wonderful and he loves and cares for me that much.
A difficult epiphany I had last night during dinner prep. Apparently when I'm feeling hurt or vulnerable, I just go to angry. Because in some way, my brain views Angry as a much safer place to be than Hurt or Vulnerable. If I get all prickly, nothing will come close to hurt me when I'm already hurting or vulnerable. I know it's not helpful in the long term, so I'm going to have to recognize when I do this and figure out how to work through it instead of getting prickly. I'm also good at hiding or ignoring problems. Again not helpful in the long term. My list of self-improvement projects is getting longer, and I'm not liking the reality in front of me. But I keep reminding myself that I'm engaged to a wonderful man and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Those lives will be longer if we're healthier and more fit. Those lives will be better if I work through my baggage. It's just going to be a rough journey for now and I hope (and believe) that it will all get easer as time goes on and we work through this together.
Also, I want pancakes. And bacon if you get those silly little boots off it first.
I don't wanna anything.
I want to shut down, curl up, and hide from the world. But unfortunately the mortgage doesn't get paid by me hiding under a blanket forcing cuddles on any kitties in arm's reach.
Why? I started a long post yesterday (which will be posted for you in the next few days) and in my brutal honesty with myself I stirred up a whole bunch of emotional crap that I didn't even know was festering. Apparently I had an emotional storage unit that I'd forgotten about and I opened that sucker right up. So I was sad, and hurt, and angry. Crying and raging. I managed to work up so much "stuff" that when I got home, I texted my sweetie telling him I really wasn't feeling going to the gym. He lovingly encouraged me and reminded me that it's a good thing we're doing, but I just shut down. I was exhausted emotionally (from dealing with new-found baggage) and physically (from not getting enough sleep the night before) and I just responded to him that I needed a nap and maybe things would be better after.
I really wish they would have been better after my nap, but I had the most ragey rage dream I've ever had. The gist of the dream was that someone was in my front yard, stealing firewood, and I went outside and confronted them. Asked if they were going to pay for it or just steal it. They didn't respond appropriately, so I proceeded to take a piece of firewood and bash the heck out of the car's hood and windshield. I woke up from that dream ragey, so I got up and started prepping dinner in hopes to calm down while I waited for my sweetie to get home from work. He came home to a rage-ball, and I told him as plainly as I could that I really didn't want go to the gym because I was an emotional and ragey wreck and it would only get worse. He understood and kindly called to cancel our appointment with the trainer and that was that. I feel like an ass for not going, but I feel so overwhelmed right now; that I've taken on too much all at once and I need to pull back a little. I don't know where the happy medium is right now, but I'll find it. I'll stumble through, step on toes, rage and cry until I get there.
To say I've been difficult to live with me for the past few days is putting it lightly. He's been a saint, but I know it's wearing on him. We had an epically long conversation last night that was very needed on both sides, and I think things really can only get better from here. I need my big strong man to be strong for me when I can't. I need his quiet company and him next to me when I'm broken. I need him to hold my hand while we both muddle through the hard bits together. And I'm confident he'll do all these things. He's just that wonderful and he loves and cares for me that much.
A difficult epiphany I had last night during dinner prep. Apparently when I'm feeling hurt or vulnerable, I just go to angry. Because in some way, my brain views Angry as a much safer place to be than Hurt or Vulnerable. If I get all prickly, nothing will come close to hurt me when I'm already hurting or vulnerable. I know it's not helpful in the long term, so I'm going to have to recognize when I do this and figure out how to work through it instead of getting prickly. I'm also good at hiding or ignoring problems. Again not helpful in the long term. My list of self-improvement projects is getting longer, and I'm not liking the reality in front of me. But I keep reminding myself that I'm engaged to a wonderful man and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Those lives will be longer if we're healthier and more fit. Those lives will be better if I work through my baggage. It's just going to be a rough journey for now and I hope (and believe) that it will all get easer as time goes on and we work through this together.
Also, I want pancakes. And bacon if you get those silly little boots off it first.
RSS Feed