It also means I'm struggling with something. Today it's reality. The reality that the only support I have in this journey is verbal support. The reality that my one friend who is willing to go to the gym with me has a schedule that doesn't quite match mine, so trips to the gym with her just don't happen enough. The reality that I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally too tired by the time the husband-to-be gets home from work to muster the motivation to drag my butt to the gym alone, much less to struggle with him to get him to go too. The reality that grocery shopping, meal planning, and meal prep is on me. The reality that the sugar addiction in my house isn't going to be cured or even mildly improved without causing a rift. Yes. Addiction. I can't fight the fight for two adults ... I can't even do it for myself all the time. I am absolutely isolated on this journey. I'm being ignored. I seethe when sodas are being chugged around me. I feel like it's a capital Fuck You I'll Do What I Damned Well Please No Matter How Much It Bothers You And How Bad It Is For Me. Oh and since I've mentioned it, I've been pondering this soda crap a lot lately. Divorcing all emotion and Id, soda in any way shape or form is stupid. Pure stupidity. 8 ounces, on average, is 100 calories and it's made of nothing but sugar and chemicals; formulated to keep you hooked. Ignore the last bit and just look at the calories, 100 calories is not that bad. If you stop at 8 ounces. No one stops at 8 ounces. Join me for a trip to a restaurant ... the glass they serve your soda in is at least 16 ounces, but probably more like 22-24 ounces. Let's say, for the sake of argument and easy math that there's only 16 ounces of soda in the glass, the rest is ice. You get your soda before your order is placed and chug it because you're thirsty. It's been a long day of shopping and you're in some serious need of liquid. 200 calories. You get a refill and drink it along with your appetizer. 400 calories. You get another refill while you're waiting for your entree and start drinking it and then finish it with your entree. 600 calories. Another refill and finish that as you finish the meal. 800 calories. The waiter brings a refill, but then takes forever to bring the check, so you finish that one too. 1000 calories. You've just had half the daily recommended caloric intake for a full day ... in chemicals and liquid sugar. And all the while not thinking about it at all. Not realizing that 1. you've had that much to drink. 2. it was just 1000 calories minimum. If you don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right? And what pisses me off about all of this, the no support and the feeling that I'm the only one in my house that gives a shit about living and eating healthier, is that I know for a fact that if we BOTH make small changes now I won't have to be a dictator (for me, husband, AND kid) when a child comes along. Because so help me God, I am not letting my child grow up thinking it's OK to drink shit-tons of sugar, eat junk food, or eat fast food. My kid will know how to THINK about food instead of just shove whatever shit is laying around into their mouth. I will go rabid momma bear all over anyone who attempts the contrary with my kid. It is all about protecting them from obesity and a lifetime of health issues. If we start making small changes now, it means I won't have to be the raging bitch later and cause problems, hurt feelings, and alienate my husband because everything else I've done until then has been ignored. I'm being ignored. Bad choices are being ignored. Hey, there's no health problems ... YET. So I don't have to worry about it ... YET. Because if there's no repercussions NOW, there never will be, right? Denial is a beautiful place of sunshine and roses. I'm tired of trying to make him understand that changes have to be made. Junk food and soda have to go. Portion sizes need to shrink. Exercise has to happen. And most of all, just because it's not a problem now, doesn't mean a massive heart attack or pulmonary embolism isn't around the corner for either of us. Small changes now and over time means there won't be much to change later. It's easier to change a little bit here and there than to change everything all at once. This is not a game. It is not OK to be complacent. But I feel like everything I've said so far, for the past year or more, has been wasted effort and just fuel for rage directed at me. I'm not allowed to talk about it because all I get is anger back. And if it's not anger, it's empty words of support. I still don't need a cheer leader. I need a partner. I'm being ignored. I'm being ignored.
I'M BEING IGNORED!
I don't matter.
I'm the only one who fucking cares and I can't carry the world by myself.
What I want doesn't matter.
I'm being ignored.
I can't do this alone.
I'm being ignored.
I will fail alone.
Now that I've dumped all that out there, cried, and fessed up to exactly how I'm feeling ... let's move on, shall we? I have my days where all I want is a Coke or cake or junk junkity junk. I've struggled most of my adult life with cutting out soda. So when I can't get that craving out of my system, I go to the nearest store and buy the smallest Coke I can find. Since the closest store is 7-11, the smallest bottle 16 or 20 oz and I rarely don't drink it all because I reach my done point before the bo. Or I go get a slice of cake from Giant instead of a whole cake or baking a cake. Or I get a "snack" size bag of chips, not the econo-bag from Costco.
So here's a homework assignment - if you're reading this, it applies to you. Make a list of the foods and drinks that would bother you if you couldn't have any more. What are the ones that would make that inner child have a tantrum if "mom" said no. And if you don't mind, share your list in comments - this can be done anonymously too. Here are mine:
- Venti 6-pump White Mocha with no whip cream from Starbucks (around 600 calories)
- Popcorn laden with salt and butter
- Carrots - it's been a life long thing ever since my crush on Bugs Bunny as a kid
- Bacon
- Ranch Dressing
- Corn - seriously, who doesn't love some sweet corn on the cob?!
- Iced Tea - I don't know what I'd drink if I didn't have iced tea. I like my tea with about 1-3 teaspoons of sugar. It all depends on how strong the tea is - stronger = more sugar. At worst, 50 calories per glass.
- Condiments like sour cream, mayo, and butter
- Spices, herbs, and seasonings. I'd positively go crazy on whoever took these away from me.
- Cheese
There are things I get occasional very loud cravings for that usually can't be ignored or satisfied with something else. So on occasion:
- Brownies/Cake
- Coke or Canada Dry
- Pancakes
- Fried Zucchini
- Beef
- Milkshake/chocolate milk
- Indian food. mmmmmm
That's all I can think of on the spot, but I'm sure there are more ... There's always more. I have found a way around some minor cravings. If I'm craving chocolate milk, I just have a chocolate high protein Boost so at least I'm getting some vitamins and protein with my sugar. I was also craving chocolate the other day and ate some coconut chips instead - that totally did it for me. I'm waiting for my next chocolate craving to see if it works again, because that'd be a nice craving hack indeed! So yeah, what's your list? Have you found any craving hacks?
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